Our Lady of Fatima Pilgrimage Portugal Sacrifice

I looked to my left and see her sobbing incessantly. “What’s wrong Fatima?” I ask. “It has been 20 years since my last confession.” she replied. “What compelled you to do it now?” I asked. “You took me there. Thank you.” I looked at her surprised. All I did was tell her that I wanted to go to confession before the mass. I didn’t talk to her about it any more than that or tried to persuade her to do it. My silent witness of just waiting for my turn was enough for her.

– The following events occurred the 1st week of June 2013

The theme of this second post, of a 4-part series on Portugal, is:

Sacrifice: A Love to Bleed For

The Miracle of Fatima

On the 13th of May of 1917, three children ages 10, 9, and 7 were tending their sheep when they saw lighting. Afraid, they ran down the hill were another flash of lighting came down in front of them. There they saw a bright light and a woman with a white rosary appeared. For the following 5 months she would appear to them on the 13th of the month. Each time, more and more people would go with them. The exception was in August because the children were detained by the local authorities for spreading such hallucinations to the townspeople. During those apparitions one of the messages revealed was the call to pray and intercede for those who offend God; that many people are not being saved because they have no one to intercede for them. Another revelation was a prophecy that Russia, if not converted, would start to spread its errors around the world. This was several decades before the Cold War. It was also revealed that two of the children would go to heaven very soon and that only Lucia would remain to carry on her message and spread devotion to Mary’s immaculate heart. The other two died at ages 10 and 11.

On the 13th of October, with close to 70,000 witnesses the woman reveals herself as “The lady of the rosary” and asked that a chapel be built in her honor. Then, all who were there witnessed the great miracle of the sun. The sun turned like a silver disk which could be looked at without difficulty for the eyes. Then it started to spin around itself as it appeared to get larger and closer to the earth.

In Fatima with Fatima

I arrive with Fatima in the evening. It was empty as almost everything was closed, but after an hour or two we found the pilgrim albergue. Because I had been a pilgrim in the Camino I could stay there one night for free.

Pilgrims on their Knees

The next day we go to the shrine and the first thing I see are people doing a different kind of pilgrimage. They are on their knees traversing a very long path to the place where the apparitions of Mary occurred. It can take around an hour for them to finish their pilgrimage. Their faces are in extreme pain. This is an aspect of the faith that I am uncomfortable with, it gives the impression that it is a church for the masochist. If one accepts God’s forgiveness and is welcomed into new life then why is there need to do this kind of penance, to go through this seemingly unnecessary suffering?

The Way of Peace

We spent the day visiting the shrine, the chapels, the museum. In the afternoon we went to what is called “The Way of Peace”. It is 2km outside of the shrine. It is a path going to where the little pastors lived and where they had the apparitions of the angel (before those of Mary). The way and its surroundings are untouched by modern life so you connect more with nature.

It is where I started reflecting on what I had left behind, both with The Camino and with Sofia. There I felt I was receiving the spiritual message of Fatima. Less than 10 minutes into the Way of Peace someone taps me on the back. It is Sofia! I thought it was a ghost. What are the odds of this happening? She was heading to a city on the south to solve a serious personal problem she had. Before leaving her home, her mother asked if she could please stop by Fatima to light a candle for her. Leaving Fatima on her car she spotted my beard as I was entering The Way of Peace.

During our walk on “The Way of Peace”, Sofia also started having her own spiritual experience first being moved by a reading written on a stone. Later, next to a small chapel on the Way, she starts sharing with me the problem she has and the pain it is causing in her life. She starts crying as she shares this when all of a sudden a local security guard approached us and starts playing cupid. He was talking about fate, love, and having babies. My face starts getting red as he goes on. He ends the conversation by stating that we should visit him again when the baby comes. Oh God!

Taking Things to God

We went back to the sanctuary and I take Sofia to the small open air chapel. I said there is very little I can do about her situation and suggested that she brings it to God. I told her that she was in a special place where the best thing to do would be to pray a rosary with the people in the chapel. I shared how I started praying it halfway through the Camino and the experiences I had with it. Yet, even though she had a conversion experience with me in The Camino, she still hasn’t embraced Christianity as a Way and has many doubts. I told her that she doesn’t need to agree or believe everything in order to pray, all she needs to do is go with a humble heart and authentically say, “I’m not sure about this faith and about these prayers, but I need help, and with what little faith I have I ask for your intercession.” I tell her that I will be waiting for her after she is finished. It’s best for her to not be with me while she prays.

I leave and get a candle which I light for her and her intentions. I find a place to sit in the sun so I can start writing about what I’ve experienced in Fatima thinking that the climax had already happened. Before I open the laptop I notice a woman doing the pilgrimage on her knees on her way to the chapel. I think to myself rather casually: “I wonder if she will arrive at the chapel by the time the rosary is done? It will be interesting to see as I write. Maybe I will learn something”. Then, out of nowhere, it hits me! All of a sudden my heart sinks as it tells me to get on my knees and do it. It tells me that I am to offer up sacrifice for Sofia, so that God listens to her through my intercession and so that she listens to God’s voice and what He wants for her. My heart rate accelerates as I look to the entrance of the basilica where it reads in large bold letters “Do Not Fear”. But I am afraid, I don’t want to do this. I don’t even like the principle of this type of self-mortification. The call grows stronger and the adrenaline is almost nauseating. Not knowing what to do I pack up my laptop and run to the starting point. I read the prayer for pilgrims that are about to begin. I barely understanding any of the words due to all the fear, confusion and adrenaline. I look to the floor, take a deep breath and get on my knees. At that moment I’m reminded of the love I felt from a stranger that once suffered for me. It was what brought me to know God’s love and led to an encounter with his Son Jesus.

As I begin to move forward I find it’s hard to lift my knees off the ground and in order to keep going I almost have to slide my knees and shins on the ground one after the other. The pain on my knees from the pressure is hard, but what was worse is the ever-increasing burning sensation as the skin is slowly being scraped off. I’m desperate and start to pray the rosary for her intentions and begging God to listen and respond. I fall forward on my hands multiple times as the pain becomes unbearable. It is at a snail’s pace, and the end doesn’t seem to get any closer.

For the Sake of Another

I start feeling like an idiot and begin to look down as I can’t bear the thought of others looking at me. After about 15 minutes I look up to the basilica and feel an overwhelming sense of peace. Earlier, the priest said during the mass: “Peace is the sensation that we are with God.” I feel a closeness to God, for in a way, I can sense what it means to continue suffering when you don’t need to, when you don’t have to, when you are doing it for the sake of another. At the moment it all felt like a deep truth revealed that can’t be expressed in words. I felt moved to the core of what it means to be alive in this world and in relationship with others. It becomes a sweet pain. I was moved to continue by will, by choice and not by a feeling. I begin sweating profusely and the pain brings me to tears.

The rosary in the chapel is finished and Sofia is walking up towards me. I’m not even halfway done. I feel shame and look down as she approaches. At first she is frozen as she doesn’t understand what is going on. She starts to get more concerned as she sees me weep and fall on my hands. “Stop, I will continue it for you!” Sofia says as it becomes unbearable for her to continue seeing me like that. I momentarily stop, sadly look up to her and say: “I cannot allow you to do it for me… Because I am already doing it for you”. I watch her stumble forward as she loses her composure and starts crying loudly. It takes her a few minutes to get back and then she starts walking (on her feet) beside me with great agony in her face. It is very sad to have someone walking beside you because you realize how slow you are going. I reach the chapel and fall once more forward. “Enough! Please stop!” she begs as she sits in front of me. I take a few minutes since I can barely think straight and finally I sit down. I am drenched in sweat, with tears down my face, and blood on my knees and shins.

What am I doing? Have I gone nuts?

What I did makes absolutely no sense if there is no God because there is no one to listen and it is all in vain. It also makes little sense unless it is seen in light of Jesus. In Jesus, God became man and the climax of his mission on earth was his passion and suffering on the way to Calvary to eventually die on a cross for our sake. Our suffering for others is not suffering, it is a revelation of God’s glory as Jesus himself revealed. If that revelation is true, then the connection between love and suffering is clear. More specifically, the truth that when you love you give of yourself; when you give of yourself you sacrifice something; and that sacrifice will come with pain. Then our capacity to continue to love will be directly related to how we endure this pain. Enduring the pain is not something I can do out of my fragile human will. For that I call out to God. If you only Love when it doesn’t hurt, then you are just following feelings and going through the motions.

Can We Truly Witness to Love Without Suffering?

This is one of the reasons Christians can sometimes be very poor witnesses, myself included. We are called to suffer with and for the church; for the sake of love and unity. Instead many look for a church or a community as if they were looking for the best cruise to go on vacation. It can become an individualistic search to satisfying one’s needs that leads to more and more separation. They might as well join a club of like-minded people who share interests.

Desolation Follows Consolation

We then went back to the convent I was staying to eat. What ensued was an unfortunate conversation with miscommunication by both of us. It caused her to leave in the evening without even saying goodbye, even though we knew it would be our last chance. It was abrupt and bitter. I had trouble sleeping and the next day was emotionally and spiritually dark. I felt such great desolation, anger, and resentment that I just stayed in bed. I wanted to rot inside there. I felt like everything that happened the previous day was in vain and senseless. I reacted violently through the messages I sent Sofia that day. Then around lunch time a fragile old nun came into the room and started tending to my wounds. She was funny, and perhaps not very sane. She kept putting more and more band aids to make sure they would hold. I ended up with close to a dozen on my left leg and only 4 on my right, even though my open wounds on the right leg were larger. Then, I fell asleep…

Restoration

I woke up and went to the sanctuary were I followed a guided meditation which ended where the apparitions happened, with the thunder that drew the children to come down from the hill to where Mary was waiting. There I saw others doing the pilgrimage on their knees, something I now see with very different eyes than I did when I arrived in Fatima. One particular woman was doing it with bare skin against the floor. My heart broke and I was filled with consolation. The darkness dissipated and I saw clearly again. I went back and contacted Sofia to ask forgiveness for my reaction. She wrote back: “My mistake yesterday was to insist on your response towards me. I wanted you to embrace me and tell me that you loved me and wanted me by your side. I was afraid I wouldn’t be corresponded. I’m so sorry. I just want you to be happy. All of what happened in Fatima makes me feel a great love for God and for you. I want to go back now to run to your arms, dance one more time and see you smile. But sadly… I cannot go. I love you Juan, without a shadow of a doubt, I love you.”

Saudade… The Love That Remains

Later that evening I receive a message from Alejandra. She was a pilgrim from Colombia who walked with me on the Camino. She was coming to Fatima the next morning. I would meet with Alejandra the next day with the plan of going together to Lisbon afterwards. That morning as I am waiting for Alejandra, Sofia calls me. She received the strength to do what was needed regarding her personal problem and is in great pain since it was a difficult task. She is in Lisbon and wanted to see me before driving up to Oporto. We both know we need to repair what happened and say a proper goodbye. When Alejandra arrived in Fatima I take her to the sanctuary. Then I tell her that I couldn’t stay with her for her visit, that I need to go to Lisbon now and that I would see her tomorrow instead.