Back To Brazil (In blog world!)

CRASH!!!! As I recover a sense of what has just happened, I panic and uncontrollably tremble as I see blood coming out of my hands.The bathroom shower glass has shattered and fallen on my naked body. I start to feel the cuts throughout my body, primarily in the hands and legs. This would mark the beginning of a darker episode as I start my way out of Brazil for the 3rd and final month here.

– The following events occurred between Sep 21th and Oct 6th, 2013

Is the Blog Dead?

I haven’t posted since January. It is now April and I’m in Lyon, France. My journey finished a few days ago on Good Friday. Part of why I didn’t write was because my time in India was very hectic, and because during the last three months I forgot I was a pilgrim on a journey and became just a tourist or traveler. I experienced a physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown in my last few months in Asia. Being physically sick for 7 weeks straight with three illnesses (mostly battling a stomach parasite), also had to do with my blog inactivity.

Enough apologies. I am taking up my writing once more because I feel it is important to finish Brazil.

Recap of Brazil

I arrived in Brazil for World Youth Day 2013, a week-long international event in Rio de Janeiro with Pope Francis. This led me to discover the ‘New Communities’ in Brazil, followed by a turn of events that would lead me in the opposite direction and extend my time in Brazil by more than two months. I started traveling through the northeast and finally to the north where I went to the amazon region on a missionary journey.

Sao Luiz

A popular local drink that tastes like bubble gum

After being in the amazon region I went to Sao Luiz, which is a city in the north of Brazil, where reggae is the music style of preference and a hip-hop like version of Capoeira is practiced. I came here to stay with Brother Galileo, from the religious fraternity O Caminho. He is on his first vacation back home since taking his final vows as a brother. I am staying with him at the house of a close friend, an upper-middle class house with a maid. I would spend a week there.

With Brother Galileo (not wearing his religious habit)

Lencois Maranhenses

This has been the most beautiful natural sight I’ve seen in all of Brazil. They are large white-sand dunes with many lakes formed by rainwater. Half the fun was getting there on a wild jeep ride. I will let the photo’s speak for themselves.

Back to the Story: Shattered glass and shattered ego

Even though the cuts in my body from the broken glass needed to be cared for, they were all minor and I didn’t need to go to the hospital. It has been only a few days since I finished my missionary experience in the amazon. Those were days of adventure and witnessing transformed lives. Being God’s helper was fulfilling and I had high spirits arriving in Sao Luiz. Yet, I would begin to start turning into myself in a toxic way. A few complications in my future travel plans as well as some issues at home made me miserable and I fell from grace. I became irritated and demanding with the people hosting me. It became all about me and my problems, and I became an unpleasant guest.

Not wanting to leave, not wanting to stay

On the last evening desperation set in as I was alone in the hammock outside. I had a flight the next morning to Fortaleza, where I would be with yet another ‘New Community’. But you know what! I’m sick and tired of the Brazilian people and the Brazilian experience. “What am I doing here for so long when I could be traversing the globe? Do I really have to go to another ‘New Community’?” I was tired of my failures and the ugliness that showed up in Sao Luiz. I’m frustrated by how one week I can be accomplishing what’s good, and the next I’m angry, selfish and unpleasant. “Why won’t God fix me? Is this belief that my life has been transformed by God just a delusion?” I wanted to leave this place, and at the same time I didn’t want to get to the next destination. I just wanted to escape!

Visiting Shalom in Fortaleza

I took a flight from Sao Luiz to spend 9 days in Fortaleza, in the mother house of Shalom. Shalom is the largest ‘New Community’ in Brazil and they are now all over the world. They have thousands of full-time consecrated missionaries who have left it all, as well as tens of thousands who are committed to serve through Shalom but still keep a more standard way of living (like having a job, and living where they want). The network of services and ministries they offer is immense. One aspect where they stand out in relation to other New Communities is in their involvement in the arts. They have painters, plays and musicals that tour Brazil and internationally, and several musical artists constantly recording and touring.

With Shalom in Fortaleza

Midnight Evangelization

Their core work is personal evangelization, and on my second day I participated on the “Evangelization Vigil”. For this event, about half the people go from 10pm till 2am to the streets to share God and our witness with those we find. While the other half stays in the church interceding for us with the Eucharist exposed (holy communion). Fortaleza is one of the most violent cities of Brazil, and here we are out on the streets around midnight. It takes a lot of guts to go out at that time to do what we were doing and it wouldn’t be easy. The environment is scary and we would meet primarily the homeless, the addicted and the prostitutes.

Angry Again

Things didn’t go as well for my small group during the midnight evangelization and we ended 2 hours earlier. For the sake of brevity I won’t discuss what happened, but it made angry. I shut down and did not stay up for the prayer vigil until 6am. My place was an hour away and I had nowhere to go, so I found a bench in the church, put on my eye cover and ear plugs, used my backpack as a pillow and went to sleep.

An Inconvenient Truth Revealed

On the 6th day in Fortaleza, during evening community prayer in the house, God started to reveal to me a possible cause of all this constantly giving in to irritability and impatience. It seems to come from a sense of superiority that swells within me and splits me apart. Where did this come from?

Sharing a Personal Journey from the Past:

How cancer and self-help led to exaggerated self-importance

When I was 21 years old I was diagnosed with third stage cancer. I went through six months of chemotherapy and it weakened me beyond anything I could have imagined it to be. After recovering, it became very real to me that life is not guaranteed, that every second counts. It gave me a sense of urgency to make the most of my time. Before going through cancer I was a highly disorganized and spontaneous person. After my treatment I wanted to do something about this newfound sense of urgency for life and I began to be organized and in control. I started reading books on personal development and self-help; the ones that teach you how to be effective and get your life in order. It made a difference, as my level of productivity went up, as well as the number of activities I could sustain. But this also brought a negative side as the quality and satisfaction of my life would then be measured by how much I accomplished. At times I wasn’t able to keep up with the expectations I set and feelings of failure and unworthiness would set in. It was all about me and the great things I could accomplish. My life was so structured that it became almost impossible to properly attend to less mechanical and more human aspects of my life (especially relationships). I wasn’t able to offer the proper attention to my girlfriend. My relationship with the “Little Brother” I began mentoring faded as I visited him less and less. I was limited in my availability to be involved with my Christian community of young adults. I barely took time to rest (even though many friends and family members suggested I respect my limitations and rest more). “I will rest when I’m dead” I would say. All because everything else I was doing with my “precious” time was so much more important. And from here arose this sense of superiority. Since my value was defined by what I would accomplish, I would also value others with the same measure. It all became a comparison and I was quick to judge the value (or lack thereof) of others by this way. My outlook after cancer brought about a positive perspective, for it taught me the value of the time we have and how each future moment is not guaranteed. But how I responded to this sense of urgency was where I went wrong, for I placed my personal value in a place that caused comparison and division.

During my time in northern Brazil I read: “The way to happiness is knowing to gather the fruits of the day whether they are few or many, and be grateful for it.” Yet, I am unable to follow this advice.

Who Am I?

When faced with the question: “Who am I?” The answer would be: “I am what I do.” Even though intellectually I know I’m not defined by what I do; my day-to-day life showed that I do lead my life as if that was the answer.

Now, here I was in Fortaleza with Shalom as I started to see all this during the community prayer. Afterwards I felt uneasy and unsettled. I would seek help, but it would take months, and crossing the Pacific Ocean, before I would find a resolution to this conflict and the answer to the question “Who am I?”

A Clue to the Answer

The Shalom community leads a very contemplative life. They begin the day with breakfast together, but in silence. Then they sing the Laudes together (a community prayer). That is followed by two hours of personal silent prayer. One of those hours is reflecting on passages in the bible, and the other is being in solitude with God. They basically spend the entire morning in prayer. All of this was too much prayer for me and I didn’t participate in their whole morning routine; of course I never missed breakfast 🙂

The last day with Shalom I decided to go ahead and try, and maybe I will survive the agonizing boredom of such a long time praying non-stop. The first half hour of personal prayer was dull and dry, then the bible reading started relating to me. It started being very fruitful, and the remaining hour and a half passed like a breeze as my mind was enlightened in prayer. It was beautiful, and even though it wouldn’t become a consistent discipline, my openness and willingness for long duration prayer would in a few months aid me in revealing a solution and an answer to the question “Who am I?”.

 

Caju is a fruit that is available abundantly and very delicious. Cashew nuts come from it also

It is common for Brazilian homes to have a small trash bin next to the sink

A popular saint

In the house with the family

Spiritism is the largest religion after Christianity in Brazil. It’s quite interesting and it’s not what you would think by its name

In Brazil it is required to have a fire extinguisher in your car

Making Caju juice

With the family